This is the last of my three February Blogs and I have just got it posted in time! This two-part blog briefly looks at some of the ways we typically approach a diagnosis of long-term illness and part two contains some exercises you can try. Using mindfulness, or any other form of meditation and associated philosophy, is not a quick-fix solution. It is about collecting the tools needed and then using them regularly to keep yourself in good running order remembering that you are being the best you can be in this moment.
Part 1: Being diagnosed with a chronic illness:
Day one – relief
Relief, sometimes elation. For most people the diagnosis is initially a wonderful moment – you have been ill for a long time, you have probably been told it is all in your head and you have asked yourself continually why you can’t just feel well. You’ve tried ignoring your symptoms and telling yourself to ‘just get on with it’ except that has always made you more ill. Now someone has just affirmed that you are not imagining, you are not faking, and you are not attention seeking. It even has a name and suddenly it all makes sense. You probably leave the appointment on a high because now you can just say ‘I have…’ and no more explanation is needed.
Day two – back to earth
This may happen soon after diagnosis or some time later, but at some point you probably hit rock-bottom when you realised that this condition has little or no treatment and no cure. I remember experiencing this as a kind of yo-yo; going from relief through acceptance to fear and avoidance and back again for several months. This stage can last a long time, sometimes years, and includes some very dark moments which can unfortunately re-appear at any point. This is normal; however, we can still choose how we respond to these moments. Responding, rather than reacting, helps us control our actions and our thoughts.
The following years – ‘weaving your parachute’
After elation, depression, anger, denial and eventual acceptance comes the hard work of learning how to live with the ‘new’ you. This version of you really needs that tool box to be well stocked with good quality equipment. You won’t return to the old you, but that may not be so bad.
So, after waking up in the night and deciding to write this blog, did I get back to sleep? Yes, I did. And I used time awake constructively. Every time my mind wandered to wishing things were different, or catastrophising about the future, I used mindfulness to bring it back to the present. I recognised some useful insights into how past experiences have led me to view my illness and which areas still need work.
Do I wish the pain would go away? That I could magically recover and not have to face any of the possible futures this condition could offer? Yes, I do. But I also realise that wishing things were different is futile. I have a finite amount of energy and need to use it more productively.
Is it easy? No. Simple yes, but not easy. It takes practise and perseverance. But it works, and the only side effect is happiness (see Dr David R. Hamilton) unlike medication, which I also use but manage to keep the dosage down to the minimum.
Like any other important relationship, your relationship with yourself needs daily attention, self-care. I forgot this for a while and allowed my meditation practice to become a lower priority than my job and it was almost too late when I realised. As Jon Kabat Zinn says – weave your parachute every day, don’t wait until you have to jump out of the plane.
I have been lucky. I didn’t weave my parachute every day; I left some repairs until I needed it and almost ran out of time. But although I am still recovering from the fall, I landed in a much better place with my tool box still full.
In my introduction to part one I mentioned the possibility of healing pain. This is a huge topic in itself and one I will return to. Sometimes we can use meditation to heal pain, even if only temporary it gives us respite. Some types of pain can be completely healed when we let go of the tension in the body caused by fear, or resistance to what we are experiencing, since tension will make pain worse, or even produce pain as it causes us to tighten muscles.
Sometimes our healing is emotional, as we make peace with our pain. We can heal on many levels, not just the physical.
If you are in physical, emotional or psychological pain – or more likely a combination of these – then I can assure you that learning to meditate and live more mindfully will be a healing experience for you.
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