Blog Sept 2024
Meanness or kindness?
Within the last few weeks, I've experienced both extremes. So just what happens when we aren't kind compared with when we are? Can kindness be misplaced? Is it possible to be too kind? Are some people just kind and others intrinsically mean?
I recently read an article in a psychology journal explaining why people are sometimes mean. Of the sixteen different reasons, only two were not because of direct suffering. So, I guess we could sum up by saying that people behave meanly because of their own suffering. The other two reasons given were, interestingly, to do with our own perceptions of another’s behaviour. We might perceive someone as being mean due to cultural differences, or we might experience a meanness and then because it bothers us and we dwell on it, it becomes more upsetting for us.
I experienced meanness this summer when I had done a lot the previous day and was struggling to walk, leaning heavily on my stick. When I came up against someone standing in an aisle that I couldn’t get past he was very ignorant about moving a few inches to let me by. On my way back I saw that he had now moved his table and chair to make it even more awkward for me. He sat there whilst I squeezed sideways past him, making some kind of point, I’m not sure what. Unusually for me I chose not to call him out as we were with friends, but I found it upsetting that on top of the pain and the difficulty, he had seen fit to add another layer of suffering to my experience that day.
Just a few days later however, we travelled to stay with friends in France and then shortly afterwards to Croatia, and I experienced nothing but kindness. Complete strangers went out of their way to help, and I was blown away by their kindness, understanding and friendliness! It made such a difference and restored my faith in humanity (big shout out to special assistance at Cardiff, Amsterdam & La Rochelle airports – thank you again!)
When we ‘do’ kind acts, or even imagine or remember them, we release feel good hormones and neurochemicals that not only make us happy, but they have physiological benefits too. Just one of these is that we produce antioxidants which reduce free radicals in the blood, protecting the heart and lowering our chances of hardening of the arteries which, in turn, reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke. This is one reason we are encouraged to practice a Loving Kindness Meditation at least once a week.
One of my favourite writers, teachers and researchers, David R Hamilton, has written extensively about this, including how acts of kindness spread out from one person to another. See more here: Welcome to Dr David R Hamilton (drdavidhamilton.com)
Can we be too kind?
I’m not sure that you can be too kind, unless you are consistently neglecting your own needs. But we can be too empathic without self-compassion, and this leads to what is often called ‘compassion fatigue’ but what is in fact ‘empathy burnout’.
We can also confuse practicing loving kindness with the idea that we have to love everyone. This confusion is caused by language; unlike most other languages English has only one word for love, but there are many different kinds.
In loving kindness, or Metta, practices, we are often encouraged to send loving thoughts to people we don’t like very much, or who may have injured us in some way. This can be difficult, even traumatic; it can lead to guilt or shame when we feel resistance to this practice and it is often confused with teachings around forgiveness, just to add another layer of difficulty.
So just how should we manage our feelings when we experience another’s meanness, and how can we prevent passing that meanness on because we are now suffering?
I personally love the RAIN meditation for these situations. After my encounter with the ‘mean man’, I was able to very quickly run through the practice:
R- I was upset & angry, I felt marginalised and discriminated against. I felt like I shouldn’t be out in public as I was a nuisance. Then I felt angry about that feeling. I felt more disabled and that made me feel sad. I wanted to say something to make him feel bad too.
A – I allowed myself to have all those feelings. It wasn’t pleasant but there was no point in pretending and no need to feel guilty about any of it.
I – I quickly checked in with myself – did I really want to make another person feel bad just because I felt bad? Did that fit with my values? The answer was no. I also quickly reminded myself that this man was probably not a happy person, or he would not have behaved that way.
N – This is the Metta part. In this instance it was fairly easy because we did not know each other so there was no betrayal involved, it was not personal against me & I would be unlikely to encounter him again. I took a few deeper breaths of kindness for myself, letting go of some of the unpleasant feelings and in particular the feelings of wanting to cause suffering. I managed a quick ‘may you be happy and free from suffering’ for the man and turned my attention back to having a lovely coffee with friends.
I was reminded of this when I read verse 49 of the Tao Te Ching which describes the nature of a sage:
‘He is kind to the kind. He is also kind to the unkind because the nature of his being is kindness.’
But how do we apply this in the face of intentional cruelty?
The article I mentioned above states that some people are intentionally cruel and purposefully cause upset, and that they feel no remorse or insight into how their behaviour upsets others. These people, it says, are best avoided. The current popular term is ‘toxic’, and it does sum them up. In this case, the teaching is usually to send kindness from a distance, without putting yourself in the way of their behaviour, to keep safe.
But what does it mean to send kindness? And what if we really don’t like them, or can’t cope with thinking about them in any way? In these cases I would always advise not to think of the person too much, treat the memory of their meanness as you would a difficulty that you don’t want to spend too much time with. Don’t will the person into your mind or thoughts just because you were invited to think of someone you don’t like in a Metta practice.
If they happen to come into your thoughts for some reason, put some distance between you and your thoughts, you can breathe with the intention that you do not want to cause them harm but neither do you want to allow them to affect your feelings any further. This sometimes takes some skilful practice with an experienced teacher or therapist, but the main thing I would stress is that we should never feel guilty about our feelings, especially ones caused by another person who is unremorseful. And if our intention is to be kind, even to those who are unkind, then that saves us from acting out our difficult feelings and passing that meanness on. We cannot control the initial thought or feeling, we can only control how we choose to be with it and how we behave.
The wonderful Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh, in the poem, ‘Please call me by my true names’ talks of the sea pirate whose heart is ‘not yet capable of seeing and loving.’ In this he reminds us that if we had been subject to the same experiences and environments of the sea pirate’s upbringing, we too would possess such a heart. When we remember this, it can help us to feel something other anger. We don’t have to ‘love’ them, but we can breathe with the intention that we would wish their own suffering to be eased and that we bear them no ill will. This compassionate understanding is sometimes all we can aspire to, but just imagine if we were truly capable of this how much more peace we would find in our own selves, and how much more would exist in the world.
So I would invite you to find somewhere to sit and close your eyes if you are comfortable with this, and take a few compassionate breaths for yourself, and repeat any, or all, of the phrases below:
Although I sometimes feel anger, I am not an angry person.
I sometimes struggle to love or like another person, but I am not a hateful person.
I am a human being, and this being human is difficult.
I love and accept myself as I am, with all my human emotions.
I choose to act out of kindness for myself and others.
May I be at ease and without suffering.
May I be happy and well.
May we all be at ease and without suffering.
May we all be happy and well.
May I feel safe and peaceful.
May we all feel safe and peaceful.
And most of all, if you need help, reach out. There are lots of kind people out there, let them spread their kindness!
With love,
Natalie.
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